Getting at something
I wonder what it is that I feel so connected to David Foster Wallace’s own search for ontological clarity and meaning and yet guard my life with much more jealousy than it seems he ever did. By which I mean simply: he always understood something about the idea of suicide as a “solution” to deep metaphysical unrest that I doubt I’ll ever be able to fathom. I am so enamored of incarnation that I can’t stand to lose it; in D.T. Max’s telling, he was always destined to sink beneath the weight of life’s intransigencies.
His IQ was probably 60 points higher than mine, for one. He perceived (and created) with an insight and poignancy I’ll never know. Does identifying with him allow me to believe I see genius in myself? Is it an effort to exorcise the fear that with middling, unfocussed giftedness I am entirely unremarkable; that my discernment is completely of this age and nothing more?
This past year has been brewing a search for the marrow of things, or at least meaning in my life. Now I’m off to seminary, and it is explicitly a crucible of ontological engagement: I go to put aside my earthly machinations for a time, to make sense of a grander muddle. I need to commit to writing my racing thoughts these days, as middling and potentially redundant as they may be. I like the idea of serializing my reasons for enrolling at Union Theological Seminary for concerned friends and family, but also because the project will help me to sort and begin to make sense of the understandings and longings I bring to this undertaking.
I’m getting at something, is the point, and though it won’t be pretty for a while, I’ll give it a go anyhow. If you want to follow along you are welcome to watch this space.


